I’ll never let toys take over my house and other lies I told myself. 

There are toys all over my house. I actually strategically place toys in each room of the house. So not only do I do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I said pre-baby, I do it on purpose.

There are lots of great reasons to not let toys take over your house.

  • It’s not attractive.
  • It’s not welcoming to your adult friends, who you still want to hang out with you but struggle to make time for.
  • There is no child-free area. Nothing feels sacred anymore.

But alas there are toys in Haines’ room, toys in our living room, toys in our guest room (just extra books and a single wooden puzzle), toys upstairs in my office/craft area (I’m still waiting for my creative juices to come back so I can utilize this space), toys in each bathroom and toys in the kitchen.

Yes, it sounds awful. If you do not have children or your child is young enough to have not taken over your house, you might think I’m crazy. But I have shit to do. In every room of my house.

living

Our living room is where we hang out and is where there is the most space so that’s where a lot of Haines’ toys are. Eventually I want to get to a place where they be easily hidden, but right now it’s just a goal.

kitchen

In the kitchen we have one lower cabinet that I have let Haines take over. Every time he leaves a toy out in the kitchen, that’s where it goes. I have also moved all his baby bottles there. He likes to throw them all over the floor. It’s not as annoying as it sounds. We’re working on him picking things back up. I’d say it’s a 30% success rate.

bathroom

I originally put these shelves in here for cute things like plants or towels. Ha!

The bathroom is one of the most important places to have toys. Sometimes your bathroom business is not quick. Sometimes you need a few minutes. It’s not as though your 18 month old can just wander around the house safely entertaining himself. No, he has to be in the bathroom with you. He might be satisfied taking your tampons and pads out of the bottom drawer for a few minutes but now you need to wash your hands, brush your teeth and check your hair. Time for a police car that makes siren noises and a book.

 

office

To be totally honest, I only have toys in my office as part of my fantasy where I’m going to do work up there and Haines will entertain himself. This has never once happened. I only work up there during nap time and “work” is really cleaning up the piles of bills and other things I let stack up for weeks at a time. A girl can dream.

So I have toys all over my house.

Sometimes I also feed my child fruit when he refuses to eat the dinner I made him. Berries mostly. Yep, he throws food on the floor and then I give him fruit. Sometimes I cry about it too.

Several times a week he watches Sesame Street or Daniel Tiger, another thing I said I’d never rely on before he was born.

Even though I thought I’d only expose my child to awesome musicians that Tyler and I love, we listen Pandora’s Toddler Radio or Family Folk Songs every single day. In fairness, watching Haines try to do all the gestures to Wheels on the Bus makes my heart explode. Who knew, right?

 

Advertisements

Pregnancy Update: Halfway!

So we finally crossed over the halfway mark in pregnancy. According to friends my pregnancy is flying by… I’m not sure I feel the same way, but I’m enjoying it more than I did with Haines.

With Haines I was incredibly stressed about what it was going to mean to be a mother. I assumed I would feel an insane love for him but I didn’t know what that meant. I couldn’t imagine what that felt like and I certainly didn’t understand what a driver that would become in my life. I was worried about experiencing a loss of identity and missing out on the things I enjoy.

They weren’t unreasonable concerns. I did feel lost for a while in the fourth trimester. I felt overwhelmed and without purpose. My sole activity was just to keep Haines alive which wasn’t very fulfilling despite the joy I felt holding and loving him. I still struggle with finding time for the things I enjoy. This blog post will probably take a week to write and yet it’s all fine. I have a better sense of “this is temporary” and more excitement rather than nerves this pregnancy. Although the idea of having two children to chase is terrifying.

IMG_5897

Pregnancy has treated me very well so far. My nausea was worse in the first trimester than with Haines but it was still manageable. Our anatomy scan showed a healthy baby in there and so far our only concerns are:

  • My placenta is underneath the baby which is not where it’s supposed to be. We’ll get an additional ultrasound at 28 weeks to see if it moves, which is apparently very common. Worst case scenario is a c-section which is not the end of the world.
  • Making sure I get antibiotics before delivery to reduce the risk of group strep b this time. I definitely want to avoid another sepsis experience!

This are both things we can prepare for and although I think about them from time to time, I’m not overly worried. We’ve chatted with the midwives and the pediatrician on our concerns and feel pretty good.

I’ve discovered I’m waddling already, much to my chagrin. I’m just a waddler apparently. I’m making a bigger effort to exercise despite hating it more and more. Today I went to a High Intensity Interval Training class and made so many modifications that I wondered why I was there. Still, it helped to be in a class setting and I did exercises that I wouldn’t have thought of to do on my own. With Haines I severely reduced my exercise starting at 32 weeks. I’m hoping to make it that long again.

Otherwise life is pretty much:

  • Drinking gallons of water every day (Okay, I average around 90-100 ounces) and peeing every 45 minutes
  • Obsessively coating my skin in sweet almond oil to prevent stretch marks
  • Hosting family- tis the benefits of living at the beach!
  • Surviving 90F+ days with 80% humidity
  • Re-reading Great With Child for the second time (recommend!) as well as reading Fever Dream (recommend!), Educated (recommend!), And Now We Have Everything (3 out of 5 stars), and What We Lose (don’t recommend). My night stand stack of books is shrinking… but I have a back up pile ready!

IMG_5781

Every day I feel more kicks and somersaults which I am relishing. It’s a total gift to know this little guy who is a total mystery and yet I know more about him than anyone else. What a strange thing to be a mother, isn’t it?

I finished this all in one sitting. I’m beyond impressed with myself.

 

So long spring, hello summer!

I’m sad to say May is gone. It’s an annual tragedy. May begins quietly, sweet with budding flowers and not too hot. The humidity waiting in the wings but not yet present. By Memorial Day June is not just knocking at the door but full force body slamming it. Humidity has taken over. The heat has picked up and I’ve given in and turned on the AC. Damn you southern summer. I am not strong enough to keep the windows open.

May, as always, proved to be the best month of the year so far.

We went to the aquarium not once, but twice! (Thank you year long membership!) We finally checked out the Children’s Museum which proved to be a huge hit (more on that tiny adventure later).

IMG_5769

Tiny crab

IMG_5685

Standard post-aquarium position

The family trekked to Winston to see my mom, a trip that included a lot of nostalgia cleaning out her attic, walks in my favorite places and the best fried chicken.

IMG_5694IMG_5716

I got another year older, which is one of my favorite activities. I’m glad it doesn’t happen more than once a year but I’m very grateful to continue on this journey!

IMG_5777IMG_5776

Our garden is starting to show life. Our yard is in bloom. We’ve already been to the pool twice, which is proving popular with Haines.

My dad came for a visit, a long overdue trip! As he lives overseas, he hadn’t gotten to see Haines since he was still new to the world. Not surprisingly he immediately took to his Granddaddy.

IMG_5767

Haines is talking more and more each day, imitating all the words we say to him. Baby #2 is growing away (as am I) and I’ve started to feel him kick and roll around. The summer is off to an incredible start.

IMG_5748

Why We Chose to Find out the Sex

We didn’t know Haines was a boy before he was born. I loved the surprise of it all. I loved the anticipation of finding out. I loved avoiding gifts decorated with trucks or tutus. A lot of people told me they needed to know the sex of their babies to prepare. Prepare for what? It’s a baby. It’s only opinions are about milk (now!), diapers (faster, I hate this!), temperature and being held (NEVER put me down fool!). They don’t care about the room decor or if the onesies you choose are considered more feminine or masculine. This soapbox ramble can go on and on but I’ve already shared most of my feelings on this previously.

Despite feeling pretty strongly that not finding out is awesome, this time I wanted to know. I wanted to be able to picture the baby and more easily imagine them as part of our lives. I want it to feel less surreal. Perhaps, it is naive to think knowing the sex will make a difference and yet I found myself asking to know the sex at our ultrasound regardless. I just wanted more information. If there’s anything to know about this peanut, I want it. Toe count? Yes, please. Belly size? Yes, please. Sex? Okay, I want that too.

If I’m totally honest, I also had a moment of… disbelief and maybe even disappointment when Haines was born and turned out to be a boy. Tyler and I had totally convinced ourselves he would be a girl. For no reason whatsoever, we thought we were definitely having a girl. And when he was placed on my chest, I was shocked. My mental state took a while to recover (as did everything else). I was scared to have a boy, that I wouldn’t know how to connect with him. I feel ashamed that I had that reaction, but it is a part of life and a good lesson to learn about getting your mind set on something that you have no control over! I didn’t want to do that again.

Now, I know that if we had had a girl, then we would not have Haines. And Haines is the best thing to ever happen to us, how could I want anything else?  I also feel strongly that sex tells us very little about what a person will be like. It might inform certain things later on, but not their hobbies or passions. Not their personality. Not who they’ll love or how they’ll love. Not the things I can’t wait to know about them.

So this fall, we’ll be adding… a little boy to our family! Yes, I’m bummed my carefully selected girl name will go unused but I’m ready to start brainstorming others! Baby boy, your mom, dad and big brother anxiously await you. We can’t wait to lay eyes on your precious self.

IMG_5791

IMG_5792

Tiny tootsies!

New Mama Mantras

There is nothing about motherhood that is easy. Even when it is relatively simple, even when it is straightforward, even when there are no complications, it is tiring and tough. Joyful, in a deep and incomparable way, but also tough.

I’ve started going to prenatal yoga again (cannot recommend enough!) which re-introduced me to the use of mantras to help me get perspective and calm the … down.

IMG_5748

Let Go//

These are the words that got me through labor. With every contraction I would breath deeply, inhale let, exhale go. But these words have served me well in the rough moments of new motherhood. Being a parent is frustrating. Babies get tired and cranky but can’t tell you what they want. They refuse foods you claim are their favorite.

IMG_5757

On Tuesday he loves Mexican food, on Friday he throws it on the ground. 

Everything is temporary//

This applies to the good and bad. In early childhood especially, everything is temporary. Breastfeeding is incredibly taxing and then suddenly it’s over. The moment you get used to a routine, your baby outgrows it. A bad attitude just needs a nap time. Baby’s favorite food ends up being given to the dog. Sickness takes over your world but only lasts a few hours, a few days. Teething seems endless, then the drool stops and another tooth is in. The constant internal discourse of “who am I now?” quietly dissipates.

Balance is about riding the fluctuations//

My yoga instructor recently shared this while we were practicing tree pose. Perhaps this statement seems obvious to you but I felt like she had smacked me in the face with her words. I have always lived and acted as though having balance as meant everything in its place, everything perfect when it is really about riding waves, flailing around and staying on the board. Why can’t I remember this in the moment? Here’s to trying.

This pregnancy is moving right along- only one week until we have our anatomy scan! I’m starting to feel movement and little kicks which is the best part of being pregnant. But I can tell my energy (and therefore sometimes attitude) is lacking so I am looking to weekly prenatal yoga, on top of increasing my other forms of exercise, as well as my new found/re-found mama mantras to keep me going.

And naps. Also a lot of naps.

IMG_5767

 

First Trimester Survival: Making It Work the Second Time Around

If you are in or entering your first trimester, you may be experiencing total internal chaos. It’s not a pretty sight. You’re excited and happy (hopefully) but also feeling any sort of degree of terrible and terrified.

I’m coming to the end of my first trimester with my second pregnancy and honestly, it’s a totally different experience.

Morning Sickness

Last time around, the first trimester just felt like a constant mild hangover. My head hurt, I was tired and I was queasy. But my queasiness could always be settled with a few crackers or a banana. It wasn’t much of an issue.

I’m still lucky in that my nausea is mild compared to many, but damn it’s worse. We’re on our fifth bag of jolly ranchers (although in fairness Tyler has been helping me) at our house and I keep other candies in my purse, car, desk drawer and anywhere else I think I could need it. Same with crackers. I’ve started taking Unisom and B6 to help but I feel like it’s mainly a placebo effect. Regardless I’m very unnaturally attached to it.

Survival tools:

  • Sour skittles
  • Jolly ranchers- watermelon preferred
  • Lemonheads
  • Saltines
  • Unisom (at night)
  • B6 (in the morning)
  • Tic tacs/ice breakers mints
  • A lot of other weird new habits like breathing solely through my mouth and mentally waving away bad smells
  • Be physical, be social, do something even for a few minutes. There’s nothing that helps like breaking away from your funk.
exercise.jpg

A 20 minute bike ride two weeks ago gave me so much energy!

 

Fatigue

When I was pregnant with Haines I just wanted to sleep my life away. I came home from work and laid on the couch. During dinner I would often eat with my head laying on the table and then immediately go to sleep.

Now I just have to keep moving, which isn’t hard as Haines is always moving. 100% of the time. But at work the moment I sit at my desk, I almost immediately start to slump down. It takes no time at all before I am borderline horizontal. The same happens at Haines’ bed time.

Pregnancy Brain

The first time around I did not believe in pregnancy brain. I was a doubter, I’ll admit it. But after I thought Tyler still spent time in Alaska and I tried to find a dresser that we’d left in Austin I admitted it was a thing.

I thought I was starting off strong but this weekend I left my laptop at work which was the most important thing I needed. I had spent 15 minutes carefully packing my workbag to make sure I had everything and completely missed the mark. I’ve also done some other dumb things but I just blame those on Tyler, which I think is fair.

Peeing all the time

Expectations are everything! Since I didn’t know about peeing all the time in the first trimester last time I thought it was extreme and complained about it constantly.

Now I feel like it’s not even a factor. It’s all about expectations. Sure, I got up 3 times last night but that seems totally fine. Right? That’s just the same for everyone?

Emotional State

With Haines, I was completely terrified from the moment we knew we were pregnant. Even though we were pregnant on purpose, the moment we found out I started questioning the decision. Panic set in. What were we doing? Did we really want to change our lives like this?

Now, I don’t feel any of that. I’m much more terrified of the logistics of having two small children, not of the decision. It doesn’t mean this hasn’t had its emotionally scary moments but the sense of calm, internally, is greater this time around. I know what to expect from myself, from Tyler, at least on some level. I know our strength a little bit more.

13weeks.jpg

Family!

 

Physical Changes

I was shocked at the changes my body went through in the first trimester last time around. Everything seemed to happen so quickly! I vividly remember laying in bed and thinking, “Are those my organs moving?”

Now I look down and think, “Oh, I remember you.” It’s like welcoming an old friend back. It was only a few months ago that the skinny, tan line on my stomach disappeared. Now, it’s still gone but I’m already showing. I already want to rest my hands on my belly although there’s hardly anything to rest on.

May 2016

2016: pregnant but still a secret!

 

And there’s the feeling grateful and excited part. Every day we get closer to the second trimester, I think we’re getting closer to feeling safe, that we can start talking about logistics and other practical things. There’s no such safe zone, anything could happen but I am glad to be here whatever happens.

Growing Family

Children are not logical.  They’re adorable, pretty fun (some of the time), and make your heart explode with joy on a regular basis. They are not; however, logical. They cost lots of money, sleep, time, sanity and home cleanliness.

And yet, here we are, ready to do it again. Not just ready, excited. (ILLOGICAL!) Another little one will be joining our family at the end of October. And if I’m totally honest I’m terrified. Bringing a new person into the world, our little world, could not be more intimidating.  But I don’t think being afraid is a bad thing. It just means something important is at stake.

It was an enormous decision to try for baby number two. There were lots of reasons to go one and done. There were two reasons to try again:

IMG_5560.jpg

1. I have loved watching Haines grow. I have loved every milestone, every new word, even every painful new tooth. Watching Haines grow from a fairly boring baby to a tiny, humorous person is joyous in the most quiet, incredible ways.

1913589_1180279591750_3718785_n

2. I have a sibling who is almost 11 years older than me. I love her and our family just the way it is but growing up I often wished we were closer in age. I want Haines to have the full sibling experience… even though I know that means two kids under two, crazy fights over toys, personal space and the like.

These last 16 months have not been very easy. I have a tendency to isolate myself when I feel low and having a young child naturally keeps you at home more. This is something that I constantly have to work through- making sure I get of the house, reminding myself to make plans, to reach out to others. My company, nor Haines’ or Tyler’s, is not quite enough to give me all that I need. I’m not actually sure what does give me all that I need.

I assume that’s because I’m a growing, evolving person whose life has become much more complicated since adding 1 (and soon 2) children. So what I needed once, isn’t exactly what I need now. Plus before Haines I didn’t have it all figured out either.

I thought that by the time I had children I would be a pretty perfect, mentally sound person. I’m actually still me, which is more complicated and will probably make for a better mother overall.

IMG_5390

So, littlest Barrack we are not perfect. We will always make mistakes, but we will love you more than you can possibly imagine. See you in a few months baby B!