As Haines goes through phases I’ve found I do too. This past week he learned to wave, give high fives and fist bumps. We’re also working on doing “choo-choo” when we pretend we are a train running around the kitchen. This was all adorable until he practically leapt out of my arms to high five his teacher at daycare. I’m sure you can see where this is going.
When I first when I back to work, the build up to that first day was an emotional roller coaster. I cried for hours about other people raising our child and how we were terrible people and so on, even though I like my job and I had really struggled staying at home most days during maternity leave. We had never been able to get on a nap schedule (because you know, 12 weeks old!) and the lack of structure and unpredictable nature of baby life was hard for me to get a grip on. Still I grieved going back to work.
Once I got back to my job and realized I had placed my baby in very capable hands, I felt pretty good. I hate that Haines is at daycare for so long each day but he’s also really happy there. It makes things much easier. This past week was the first time I started to struggle with these feelings again.
It’s a good problem to have. It’s good to have your child love their teacher so much you get a little jealous. She’s not some crazy person manipulating him into thinking she’s his mother like some Lifetime movie plot. She’s just good. She sings him songs, and teaches him to wave. It’s just when the teacher is the one who tells you what his favorite song is, your heart breaks a little. I didn’t know Haines could recognize Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, let alone request it (apparently there’s a hand gesture for this).
This week when she asked if she could feed him some of the foods the other kids are having at daycare I once again felt like she was telling me something I didn’t know about him. She was also taking away the one thing I contribute to his day- the food I make for him. It’s a minor thing. I like making his food but often the week feels like it gets away from me and sometimes it’s a pain. It will be easier when I have one less thing to bring for him.
All the same every day this week I’ve felt heartache over our daycare situation. It’s the kind of thing I couldn’t imagine getting worked up over pre-baby life. I’m not quitting my job though. One, I don’t think we’re prepared for the financial changes we’d have to make and two, because I don’t think that’s who I am. Mentally, it would be very difficult for me to not have something of my own to go to each day.
I follow a lot of mom bloggers and Instagram accounts these days. I try not to get swept in by those who make parenting look picturesque and search out ones who honestly depict their lives. Stay at home, work at home, or work away from home- all of these are great and difficult. Each have their own challenges that sometimes don’t have a fix. You just have to get through.