Living in Limbo

Shit’s changin’ y’all. There’s really no denying it and no one is immune from it. If you live within the confines of the United States you probably feel a bit like I do, like we’re in limbo. A major change has been announced but we don’t necessarily know that that means  yet. It’s hard to say what a Trump administration will look like or accomplish. You might think you know but so does your neighbor and I’d bet both of you have very different ideas. Who is right?

If you’re in North Carolina, the sense of being stuck in limbo is even worse. It’s Thanksgiving and we still don’t officially have a governor. Someone call that election already!

If you’re pregnant and due in say, three weeks or so, you might also feel like you’re in limbo. In fact all of pregnancy feels a bit like this. It’s all hurry up and wait. Much of the first trimester is waiting not to feel so tired and waiting to be able to share your good news. The second trimester flies by because you feel (mostly) like a human being which is a refreshing and short-lived change. Your home, your mind, your excited parents and in-laws are transitioning towards the future, trying to prepare for a new little being who is coming to reside. At the same time you’re stuck. Technically every day we get a little closer to baby makes three but it feels the same as yesterday- a little uncomfortable, a little sleepless and a whole lot o’ waddle.

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36 1/2 weeks

In fact I write this at 4 am because I can’t sleep, can’t get comfortable and I’m hungry.  I finally took off my ring tonight as the swelling in my fingers and feet started yesterday. We are in the home stretch now with only three weeks to go, although as many people have pointed it could be less. Just as many people point out it could be more. Regardless it’s hard to anticipate the finish line. As first time parents, I feel confident that we don’t have any real sense of our lives are getting ready to change. I can guess at how our daily routines will be forever altered but I can’t guess at the impact on our hearts or futures. As someone who never really factored children in when I imagined life, the other side of these three weeks seems even more foggy.

Perhaps the sense of in-between is greater because there we don’t know anything about this little person. There’s no gender currently associated with the baby so we can’t project any ideas onto it. We can’t practice using the boy name we’ve picked out or the girl’s. We joke about using either and enjoy hearing everyone’s guesses. Those who choose boy seem very sure. Those who choose girl almost always mention they’re just guessing. I am positive that I have no idea. I am a doubter in mother’s intuition right now.

Several friends have mentioned how fast my pregnancy feels to them. That time has just flown by. I’m pretty sure in twenty years it will feel that way to me too. For me, the action of waiting for movement, watching what I eat and drink, considering activities before I take them on has become so ingrained into my every day that pregnancy feels more like a permanent state than 10 months. (If 40 works is full term who the hell started this myth that pregnancy is 9 months? Can’t anyone count around here?) And still out in the unknown is how will I feel when my body empties out. I’m not sure I remember what it’s like to be only one heartbeat, one brain, one body, one person.

For now I will binge on Luke Cage and Gilmore Girls and try to stop eating everything in sight. Multiple people have told me I will reach a point where I feel full after only a few bites. Thursday I felt full for the first time since entering the second trimester. Apparently only Thanksgiving (3 slices of pie included) can do the trick.

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A few friends, a great potluck and a selfie stick is definitely the way to go. 

Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone. 2016 is coming to a close!

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