Commitment Issues

As we’ve previously discussed, I’ve started attending Speakeasy Wilmington, a monthly story telling competition. Last week I told my first story on the topic of commitment issues. It’s actually a story I love to tell, but I completely botched it. I knew I would probably chicken out when I got to the bar so I hadn’t prepared properly and going up to the mic was all I needed to forget what I wanted to say. Which was:

I spent the first three or four months of my relationship pretending it wasn’t a relationship. A good friend came to visit while this non-relationship was blossoming and he thought I really wasn’t that in to my man. Now that I look back on that time, that is definitely the vibe I was trying to put out- the “I am not invested in this” vibe. The Alaska boy was going back to Alaska in April and no one had ever wanted to pursue something with me before so I was planning on keeping that tradition.

“Let’s keep things casual.”

“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s more like my fella. Or my beau.”

– Commitment Issues

When he left for Alaska I spent the next few months saying we were broken up. Technically we were, but emotionally we were not (if you are alive, you are familiar with this situation).  I went on a couple dates. I kissed a boy and cried all the way home. Finally my mother came to visit and I couldn’t stop talking about him. I don’t know if it was she or I who thought that I should visit him, but I finally brought up the idea to him. The idea was greeted with much enthusiasm and in August I began on my first annual trip to Alaska.

Even as I was flying in, I was thinking about how this didn’t mean anything.

He’s probably dating someone in Alaska.

“He probably won’t want to kiss me when I got off the airplane.” – Commitment Issues

I was very lucky that I was the only one in this relationship with commitment issues. My other half thought I was crazy. Fair…

Even when he was getting ready to leave for his second season in Alaska I thought,

“Realistically we’ll never last another season. That would be ridiculous.” -Commitment Issues

When I worked up the nerve to tell him I loved him, he had just gotten back from a season in Alaska. I was so nervous I thought I was going to explode. I got quiet and serious.

“I have something I have to tell you.

CRAZY LONG PAUSE WHILE FREAKING OUT

I think I’m in love you.”

“Oh! God, you were so serious I thought you were going to say you were seeing someone else!”

-COMMITMENT ISSUES

Now that we’ve been together over four years, these are the moments we laugh about. I’m pretty grateful to have someone in my life who was (is) willing to point out all my crazy but also, deal with the crazy along with me.

There. That’s all I was trying to say.

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