I Can’t Stop Feeling I’m Losing Time

I am struck almost every day with the sense that time is passing too quickly. At some point in my day I think, “There’s not enough time.”

time flies

Not enough time for what? Not enough time to do crafts, make gifts, weed the garden and cook dinner. Not enough time to go to work and figure out how to eventually start my own business. Not enough time to save for a house and take the kind of adventures around the world that I would like to experience.

It causes me to try to multi-task at all times. I knit while I watch TV because I want to be productive while I “relax”. As a result I’ve messed up a hat I’ve been working on since January. I check my phone whenever I have a moment to myself. This results in no actual moments to myself and an inability to just be still.

I work out at lunch, call to catch with friends, or run errands. As I sit here typing I’m thinking about letters I need to write, starting dinner and cleaning the bathroom. I don’t even have children. Or a dog.

urgent

I know it is the sense of needing to do everything at once that has started this. I’m not satisfied knowing something will be done eventually. I want to start on it now. I want to figure it all out. Tonight I talked with a college freshman who was stressing about not knowing what she wanted to major in. I told her she had so much time to figure it out. She talked about internships and I told her not to sweat it. Hello, I’m a hypocrite.

understand people

I am overwhelmed by all the things I’d like to accomplish in life. I want to read piles of books, hike the Appalachian Trail and the Camino de Santiago, learn to dive, learn to conquer my seasickness, sail in beautiful waters, write all the time, work for myself, see Croatia, visit Russia, explore Asia, kayak a lot, spend time in Yosemite and Big Sur… and that’s just the things I can think of right now. I’d also like to keep my house clean, bake my own bread and grow lots of veggies.

Well, shit.

calvin

Maybe tomorrow I will sit and do nothing. Maybe tomorrow I will take one thing at a time. Tonight I will volunteer at the Food Bank, drink wine, cook dinner, ponder cleaning the bathroom and hopefully cuddle.

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