Dear old crush,
Let’s be honest, I don’t honestly care that you got married. Your very expensive looking wedding photos were posted on Facebook and I see that somebody dropped their life savings on this which already tells me we would have never made it.
Unfortunately though in those pictures, you still looked pretty attractive. I’m not really okay with that. If you’re going to get married first, at least have the decency to have gained some weight.
I really would never wish you ill will but sometimes, because the way you were super flirtatious but didn’t mean it back in the summer of 2008, I wish you could gray early or have nose hairs that just get completely out of control.
And the best of luck to you in your recent nuptials.